Reality Check

With less than 2 weeks until the big 4-0 I have come to the realization that my 40 Before 40 list is going to turn into a 40 Through 40 list. I vastly underestimated the time it would take to complete these tasks while also caring for our two daughters and all things home related…silly me for thinking I could do it all.

This really has been the struggle this year – wanting to do it all and still not grasping the limits of what I may be able to accomplish in a day, but I’m getting better. I, just yesterday, stashed away materials for a new project I want to do, one that can certainly wait until I finish all the unfinished ones in my queue.

In the past year I’ve gotten one more year of experience as a mama. That is surely something I wouldn’t trade for anything, though sometimes I think I’d like to. It can be hard and frustrating and draining and did I mention hard? But then I’ll catch Evie playing on her xylophone and singing snippets of “How Great Thou Art” or I’ll give Lucy something at lunch and she’ll smile at me and sign “Thank you.” And my heart catches because in those moments I know it’s not in vain, this work I’m doing, and despite what it seems like a lot of the time, they are listening and watching and learning and growing. And as their mama and primary caregiver it’s my job to put this first.

So in this past year I’ve done more than any list could hold, little everyday things, laundry and dishes and coloring and building and stickers (oh so many stickers!). And while I really do want to complete the list that follows, those things aren’t going anywhere. The work that the Lord has set before me in raising these sweet babes, that’s the path I’m on and they are eager to be on the move. So I’ll chase and follow them as long as they’ll let me (and probably a little while after that too 😊).

So for my official list I’ve got somethings checked off, some partially done, and some not even touched (some even finagled a little). I thought I’d give an update about where I am in all of this, and really, to see for myself.

1. Read through the Bible – 25/66 In the midst of Ezekiel right now

2. Read 15 books (I swapped the number of books to read with the number of audio books to listen to – it just made more sense as I can listen to books more easily) – 9/15

3. Finish reading the Wingfeather Saga with Steve – we are still on book 2, but I told him I’d like to finish it by my birthday.

4. & 5. Run a 5K & 10K – I really don’t know if these will be done…I haven’t run in over 6 months. I was doing really well, but as the runs got longer it was harder to figure out the logistics of being able to go running, even if I took the girls with me. The further I got was 2 miles without stopping, which was pretty amazing. I do still like running, it’s just figuring out when I can actually do it.

6. Pay off my car – ✅

7. Go to Michigan – ✅ x2 😊 We drive there last summer and flew there for Christmas. Both trips were wonderful!

8. Listen to 40 audio books – 22/40 – I’m currently on an Inkling kick and am listening to The Fellowship of the Ring. The previous two books were about C. S. Lewis, and then him & Tolkien and how WWI influenced their writing.

9. Eat in a restaurant – ✅, many times over since last February, but the first time was last March when we went to Iron Hill (also Lucy’s first restaurant experience).

10. Get take out from a new place – ✅ also done last March

11. Organize the basement – still a work in progress

12. Update photo wall – nope

13. Complete Lucy’s shadow box – ✅

14. Make braided t-shirt jump rope – no, but hoping to do this as a craft in March for Operation Christmas Child shoe boxes

15. Make a braided basket – no again

16. Make Lucy’s mobile – I have the pieces made but need to see them together…thoughts on how a mobile could be designed for an almost 18 month old?

17. Beat Yoshi’s Craft World – so close!

18. Wear clothes that fit in 2016 – ✅ silhouette is not the same, but some look decent. I’ll take photos when I remember (or when I feel like it 😆)

19. & 20. Get Evie’s & Lucy’s journals up to date – this has probably been one of the hardest things to sit down and do. I very much want to, but haven’t. I have a feeling I’ll be posting about that later.

21. Make felt play food – ✅ Crafty post about that coming soon!

22. Write letters to 10 friends – 1/10

23. Complete a Little Free Library – about half way. My dad helped a lot with this when he was out in May, but I haven’t been able to work on it since. It would be awesome if I could get it up by Evie’s birthday.

24. Write Steve a love letter – not just because

25. Watch 10 Best Picture films I’ve never seen – 1 2/3 /10 – I fell asleep towards the end of Patton. I really liked it, I was just also very tired. We haven’t gotten around to watching the end yet.

26. Make pasties – nope

27. Go on a family picnic – ✅ Last May

28. Make a quilt or quilted wall hanging – not quite, but I did make a really neat quilted towel for a collaborative art project. I think that counts so ✅

29. Try hot sauce with a meal – ✅ this was actually the first I did.

30. Write a poem – ✅

31. Write a story – nope

32. Find a new family doctor – ✅

33. Make pretzels from scratch – nope

34. Make something with Evie – ✅ she helped me make poke cake when we were in MI in the summer.

35. Listen to 25 albums from new-to-me artists – 4/25 – I’ve found I should just look up and add the albums when I have a moment because when I actually have time to really listen I’m usually by myself in the car (which doesn’t happen often) and I don’t have my list of ideas with me.

36. Record the first episode of Page & Screen – nope

37. Learn to do a smokey eye – nope

38. Commission a work of art from a kid/teen – ✅ I asked Alli when she was still 19 so I’m counting it! She made an amazing shadow box with Carl & Ellie’s house from Up in it. Just need to figure out where to hang it in Evie’s room.

39. Spend an evening stargazing with Steve – ✅ we did this in September with a lovely campfire in the backyard.

40. Wear my wedding band & engagement ring – almost. I have been able to put my wedding band on for a bit but then it feels too tight and freaks me out a little that I might get it stuck so I take it off 😞 My stand-in ring is too big though and I’ve thought I lost it multiple times just to have it turn up in random places (like at the bottom of a basket of laundry). Maybe in a month or so…

So, all in all, 15 out of 40 are completed with as many never yet touched. Give it a year and check back with me. I’ve heard 40 is a good year and I am excited to see what it brings.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

One week

It’s been over 640 days

But who’s counting?

Now it’s just one week

Seven days

Until we see you face to face

Not on a screen like we have

For the past 640-some days

I get to hug you

Squeeze you both tight

Something I’ve been wanting to do

All this time we’ve been apart.

Tears of sadness and frustration and fear and sorrow

So many of these have fallen

Because of missed birthdays, holidays, and births

Celebrating together but apart is just not the same

But these next seven days

They will see tears of excitement and love and happiness and rejoicing

Especially that seventh day

So many that the tears of the past 640-some days will have made just a small pond in comparison

I’m sure I’m not the only one they’ll be coming from

And while I cannot wait to feel your embrace again

I’m even more excited to see you scoop my girls up in your arms

For them to see that Grandma and Papa don’t live in a screen

To bounce on your knees and be silly together with you

I have longed for this

And in seven short days

This will be our reality

Tears and hugs and kisses and more tears and more hugs and smiles and laughter

The laughter

I can’t wait to hear it ringing in the house

No delay or stuttered freeze

But in real time

That I could capture the days to follow and play them over and over again

There will be many photos I’m sure

But I want there to be even more memories

Memories that will hold tight

Like the best hug

The most comforting squeeze

That will last much longer than 640-some days.

Worth the Weight

Four years ago today I ran a half marathon. It was a huge goal of mine and so amazing to accomplish. I had started running maybe 4 years before that because I knew I needed to do something and be a better steward of all God had given me, my body included. Running made me feel good and I was continually amazed at the ability of my body and the awesome way the Lord created it. I lost weight (probably 40 lbs from my heaviest), found my “style” in cute A line dresses, and was happy with where it had brought me.

Since then, so much has changed and so much life has been lived. I got engaged, moved, got married, bought a house, moved again, and left a job. We went through a season of infertility that was hard and stressful, and if it wasn’t enough that I had already gained 15 or so pounds after marriage (food is so a love language), I ended up right where I began all those years ago before we finally got pregnant.

During pregnancy I put on about 30 pounds, a normal amount in the grand scheme of things. But since giving birth, almost 9 months ago, I haven’t really lost much (besides the weight of the baby and all that fluid). It has been a crazy struggle; more of one in my mind and heart than anywhere else really. My lovely dresses are still packed in the attic with most of my “before” clothes; there just wasn’t room in the closet for them and the clothes that mostly do fit…plus just seeing them would set me longing for that body of four years ago. The one I worked so hard for. The one my husband first fell in love with. The one that just made me feel so good.

This morning I looked through my memories on Facebook, knowing full well what day it was and what would show up. As I saw the photos from 4 years ago I remembered the excitement of it all. The exhilaration of waiting with my group to even just go up the the starting line. The joy of spotting Steve in the cheering crowd. All the people. Pushing through the last mile, knowing I was almost at the end. I saw the photo of Steve & I, after having finished the race, and was saddened by the changes that have happened to my body over the years. 

But then I looked at my little girl, happily sitting in her highchair after eating breakfast, drinking and playing with her cup before tossing it on the floor. And that is when the realization hit. There is no way I would want that body back if it meant not having her. If that is the physical price to pay for this little one who is such a joy, who rarely stops smiling, who loves to cuddle and dance, who is an amazing miracle from the Good Lord Himself, so be it. This body of today has created life (with a little help from Steve, some doctors, and God). It has nourished life. What is more amazing than that?

Someday, those dresses will come down out of the attic (hopefully so I can wear them and not because it will be time to just give them away). But whatever the reason, that’s ok. That’s not to say that I’m ok with the health implications of this weight gain. I’m not and we are working on changing things to do better with all of this. But, finally, I think I am ok with knowing that this is just the season I’m in. And you know the thing about seasons is that they are always changing. Here’s to the next!

Love & Blessings,

KJ

November 14, 2018

I was waiting to post this in order of our story, chronologically, but that has just gone out the window – I suppose I’ll try to catch up one day, but more important things have come along 😊

Today it became real to me. There is a new life growing inside of me. One, Lord willing, I will get to care for, nurture, teach, and love. I’m going to be a mom.

Up until now I don’t think I let myself truly believe it. I feared miscarriage (though that’s still possible). I feared getting attached to someone that I might never meet this side of heaven. I’ve spent the past year and a half trying not to get my hopes up and I think that mentality stuck around, even after I found out I was pregnant.

Today was our last appointment with the fertility specialist. He’s been keeping a close watch on things and I had my fourth ultrasound today. And today that little tiny life looked much less like a tiny blob and much more like a baby. My baby. Our baby. They put one of the ultrasound photos in a cute frame for us and happily sent us on our way into the hands of a regular OB. Their work was done. I tried to hold it together as I went back into the waiting room where other women sat, where I had so many times before. I would not be coming back.

We got into the parking lot and I lost it. I sobbed into Steve’s shoulder for a good minute or so. I remember him asking if they were happy tears and I nodded. They were really more of amazement and gratitude. “This is really real, isn’t it?” It had finally sunk in.

I’m not at all sure what we’re in for, besides a kid that’s got to be at least a little crazy. I still can’t think much more past today, and that is ok by me.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

365 Days

This post came up in my Facebook memories today. Of Sorrow & Shame

It has been one year since I wrote these words. One year since I was brought to such a place of brokenness that I could only share with others in the hope that it could be used for good somewhere.

I read those words I wrote 365 days ago with tears in my eyes. Maybe a little from sadness in remembering the pain, but mostly from joy in knowing that the Lord used those words to connect me with so many others. In knowing that He grew me in these past 365 days; to rely upon Him, trust Him, rest in Him, draw near to Him.

Of course, the joy also came from feeling some rather powerful kicks as I read those words. As if my little girl wanted to remind me that she’s here. This blessing I have longed for is here. And, Lord willing, I will get to hold her in my arms in a few short months.

This journey is far from over. It’s changing once again and I feel as if I’m at the beginning of it all. I realize I never finished my remembrances up to the point of finding out we were pregnant – there are just a few more things I’d like to write about in that process and I hope to get to them in the next week.

I know I’ve said it many times before, but, dear friends, nothing is ever wasted. Know that whatever circumstance you find yourself in, the Lord is using it, for your good and His glory.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

When Worship is Difficult

It all started with a song. One inspired by Psalm 118. One Sunday morning in church, probably in late August when I had all but given up. Somewhere in the middle of singing praises to the Lord, this song started. I know it was in the middle because I was already standing and then the weight of it all hit me, and I just couldn’t any more.

🎶Oh, give thanks to the Lord

Oh give thanks to the Lord

For He is good

He is good

For He is good

He is good, oh

His steadfast love endures

Forever, forever He endures 🎶

You can listen to the song here : Psalm 118 (Your Steadfast Love)

The truth of this washed over me as tears fell to the ground. I didn’t want to believe it in my heart, because I had felt that He was everything but good at that moment. But my head knew it was true. His Spirit inside nudged me along. And I sang, though I was angry and hurt and broken. And when I couldn’t manage that for the tears, I mouthed the words. No one could hear them, but I was declaring the truth to the One who is Truth itself. It was my sacrifice of praise. While I didn’t want to acknowledge Him at all, it was really the only thing I could do.

If we praise God only when we’re getting what we want, how is He different from a genie in a magic lamp? His love for us is unconditional, and what’s more, He is God. That fact alone deems Him worthy of worship. Always.

Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;

    bring an offering and come before him!

Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness;

tremble before him, all the earth;

    yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved.

Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice,

    and let them say among the nations, “The Lord reigns!”

~1 Chronicles 16:29-31

This is not easy. It’s not easy to worship God when you feel unseen by Him. Or when you can’t help but think He’s holding out on you. We all have ups and downs. Times when we feel super close with our Lord and times when we distance ourselves. But He stays the same. He doesn’t change. He sees our struggles and heartache. He sees our success and joy. None of our circumstances can change who God is and so our worship of Him should remain steady through it all.

A few months later, probably some time in November (after we knew I was pregnant), we sang the same song again. As the words began I couldn’t help but cry. Not out of brokenness this time, but because I knew, with all my being, the truth and grace in the words. He was good to me and His love endured. Through all my craziness. Through all my doubts. And sorrow. And questioning. How could I have ever thought differently? I praised Him for His providence in it all; not knowing the reasoning behind it, but grateful that He did.

I don’t know where you are, dear friend. You may be high on a mountain or low in a valley. Know this truth, wherever you find yourself; God is God and He is good. Always.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

September 15-18

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
    so pants my soul for you, O God.
² My soul thirsts for God,
    for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember,
    as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
    and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
    a multitude keeping festival.

⁵ Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation ⁶ and my God.

You can read Psalm 42 in its entirety here.

I knew at the beginning of the month that I would find out if I was pregnant while away on a girls’ weekend with my mom and sisters. I dreaded the thought of getting my period and my reaction to the let down. The emotions, the sorrow and the disappointment, had started to grip me with such intensity that I worried about it happening around them. Not that they would see it, but that they would see it and question, “Where is your God?”

And the morning came. I woke up and there was blood. I had since stopped being hopeful that it could be implantation bleeding. I couldn’t raise my hopes like that just to have them dashed. Self preservation mode was what I was running on. I went back to bed trying to control the flood of tears. Sobbed into my pillow in hopes that no one would notice. Tried to gather myself as everyone else started waking up much earlier than I had hoped. I just wanted to stay in bed, but we had a full day ahead of us and adventures planned. I hadn’t flown to Minneapolis to stay cooped up in a hotel room. I prayed for strength. For grace for one more day. For contentment in Christ and not to obsess with what was or wasn’t happening within my body. He brought me through to the other side of the day. I dealt with it as well as I could. I don’t remember any other melt downs that day. It wasn’t the best day ever, but I remember being able to enjoy the time with my mom and sisters and I was grateful for that.

Despite not wanting to get my hopes up, they were slightly. That or I was in denial. I spotted through the next couple days and still went in for the blood test because this period just didn’t seem normal for me. I went to watch the kiddos and tried to forget about the phone call that would be coming in a few hours. We went to the grocery store and as I was just getting them back in their car seats when my phone rang. I knew what was coming, but had to hear it to be sure. “I’m so sorry, but it’s negative.” I tried to coherently speak with her about details and cycle days and setting up the next appointment. I’m sure she heard my voice crack and the extra moment of silence it took me to gather myself. As soon as I hit the red icon, the tears came freely. Another disappointment. Each got harder and harder as I wondered why. And I wondered how much more of this I could take.

I honestly don’t remember much more of that day with the kids. I went to help a friend with wedding plans that night and quietly skipped over a telling of highs and lows for the day. I just couldn’t muster bearing all to them, though a little later that evening it did come up as one of them asked me how it was all going.

What I remember most is lying on our bed with Steve. Not being able to look him in the eyes as I voiced my fears. Fears that I knew to be untrue but had such a tight grip on my heart.

“Am I doing something wrong?”

“Am I not good enough?”

“Is God holding out on me?”

He answered a firm and confident “No.” The answer applied to all the questions swirling in my head and he continued to remind me of the Lord’s great truths and promises, something I needed so very much.

Dear friends, have you had such moments? Ones when circumstances seem dire and there’s nothing but sorrow and fear and oh so many tears? I believe those times fall upon us all. And while we may not see how we could possibly praise God in that moment, take hope in knowing, like the psalmist, that you shall yet praise Him again. He is our only salvation and God.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Day 30

Well, this was an interesting experiment. I did not keep a perfect record of writing every day, but I did make it a point to think about something I was thankful for each day.

After a season of not really being sure what there was to be thankful for this was a really good exercise.

Today it was more of the simple things. We’ve had various commitments in the evenings for the past few days and tonight we got to just hang out, which included breakfast for dinner, pj’s by 6, and watching a movie. I’m thankful for this relaxing evening at home.

I’m also thankful that tomorrow is December 1st & Christmas preparations will begin. We’ll tidy up so we can put up the tree. I’ll soon be baking up a storm to have a supply on hand for Christmas parties, gifts for friends and neighbors, and just because. Most importantly, though, is the preparation inside myself. Preparation to celebrate the coming of the Lord. The preparation of remembering what He left behind to come into the world as a totally dependent baby. All to bring the Father glory and restore a right relationship between us and Him.

I pray, as the season of Advent begins, you, too, will take time to prepare. Not so much with gifts and cookies and decorations (though those are all well and good), but with remembering the reason behind it all. The glorious miraculous birth of the One who will make all things new.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Day 20

Today I’m thankful we were able to share this news with the everyone: come June we’ll be welcoming a little one into our family.

It has been a journey, but really it’s only just begun. We are thankful for the faithfulness of the Lord. For Him allowing us the opportunity to be His ambassadors to a child.

I have some things I’ve written in the in between; before I got pregnant, before I knew I was, and after I knew I was but didn’t yet want to release that info into the world. I’ll be posting periodically and hope they may be an encouragement to those of you going through similar situations.

I know not all stories of infertility end this way; with the happy news of a baby on the way. I still know that feeling and I pray for those of you going through it. It is a difficult, exhausting, heartbreaking journey. Through it all, know that you are thought of, prayed for, and loved. By me, yes, but more importantly by the Good Lord above.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Days 9 & 10

To be honest, yesterday was a blah kind of day. It was gloomy and rainy, I’ve been battling stuffy sinuses, and despite not feeling well there was a bit to do to prepare for our trip this weekend.

In short, I was not thinking of things to be thankful for.

And then Steve and I went to Atlantic City for a show – Rhett & Link’s Tour of Mythicality. It was raining like crazy and I was thankful we got there safely. I was thankful we were able to see a fun show and that we were able to get all the things ready to leave in the morning. So indeed, even when we don’t think there’s much to be thankful for, even when a day is not going as well as we hoped, blessings abound, if we only look for them.

Today, we headed down to Virginia to spend some time with Steve’s family. We did some exploring, conquered an escape room, and found out we’re going to have a niece come the end of March.

Such good times with family and that is what I’m thankful for today; these people who welcomed me into their family well before Steve & I were engaged. I’m glad to be a part of it.

Hoping even in less than ideal circumstances, you can find something to be thankful for.

Love & Blessings,

KJ