November 14, 2018

I was waiting to post this in order of our story, chronologically, but that has just gone out the window – I suppose I’ll try to catch up one day, but more important things have come along ๐Ÿ˜Š

Today it became real to me. There is a new life growing inside of me. One, Lord willing, I will get to care for, nurture, teach, and love. I’m going to be a mom.

Up until now I don’t think I let myself truly believe it. I feared miscarriage (though that’s still possible). I feared getting attached to something someone that I might never meet this side of heaven. I’ve spent the past year and a half trying not to get my hopes up and I think that mentality stuck around, even after I found out I was pregnant.

Today was out last appointment with the fertility specialist. He’s been keeping a close watch on things and I had my fourth ultrasound today. And today that little tiny life looked much less like a tiny blob and much more like a baby. My baby. Our baby. They put one of the ultrasound photos in a cute frame for us and happily sent us on our way into the hands of a regular OB. Their work was done. I tried to hold it together as I went back into the waiting room where other women sat, where I had so many times before. I would not be coming back.

We got into the parking lot and I lost it. I sobbed into Steve’s shoulder for a good minute or so. I remember him asking if they were happy tears and I nodded. They were really more of amazement and gratitude. “This is really real, isn’t it?” It had finally sunk in.

I’m not at all sure what we’re in for, besides a kid that’s got to be at least a little crazy. I still can’t think much more past today, and that is ok by me.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

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When Worship is Difficult

It all started with a song. One inspired by Psalm 118. One Sunday morning in church, probably in late August when I had all but given up. Somewhere in the middle of singing praises to the Lord, this song started. I know it was in the middle because I was already standing and then the weight of it all hit me, and I just couldn’t any more.

๐ŸŽถOh, give thanks to the Lord

Oh give thanks to the Lord

For He is good

He is good

For He is good

He is good, oh

His steadfast love endures

Forever, forever He endures ๐ŸŽถ

You can listen to the song here : Psalm 118 (Your Steadfast Love)

The truth of this washed over me as tears fell to the ground. I didn’t want to believe it in my heart, because I had felt that He was everything but good at that moment. But my head knew it was true. His Spirit inside nudged me along. And I sang, though I was angry and hurt and broken. And when I couldn’t manage that for the tears, I mouthed the words. No one could hear them, but I was declaring the truth to the One who is Truth itself. It was my sacrifice of praise. While I didn’t want to acknowledge Him at all, it was really the only thing I could do.

If we praise God only when we’re getting what we want, how is He different from a genie in a magic lamp? His love for us is unconditional, and what’s more, He is God. That fact alone deems Him worthy of worship. Always.

Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;

    bring an offering and come before him!

Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness;

tremble before him, all the earth;

    yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved.

Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice,

    and let them say among the nations, โ€œThe Lord reigns!โ€

~1 Chronicles 16:29-31

This is not easy. It’s not easy to worship God when you feel unseen by Him. Or when you can’t help but think He’s holding out on you. We all have ups and downs. Times when we feel super close with our Lord and times when we distance ourselves. But He stays the same. He doesn’t change. He sees our struggles and heartache. He sees our success and joy. None of our circumstances can change who God is and so our worship of Him should remain steady through it all.

A few months later, probably some time in November (after we knew I was pregnant), we sang the same song again. As the words began I couldn’t help but cry. Not out of brokenness this time, but because I knew, with all my being, the truth and grace in the words. He was good to me and His love endured. Through all my craziness. Through all my doubts. And sorrow. And questioning. How could I have ever thought differently? I praised Him for His providence in it all; not knowing the reasoning behind it, but grateful that He did.

I don’t know where you are, dear friend. You may be high on a mountain or low in a valley. Know this truth, wherever you find yourself; God is God and He is good. Always.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

September 15-18

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
    so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
    for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
    โ€œWhere is your God?โ€
These things I remember,
    as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
    and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
    a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

You can read Psalm 42 in its entirety here.

I knew at the beginning of the month that I would find out if I was pregnant while away on a girls’ weekend with my mom and sisters. I dreaded the thought of getting my period and my reaction to the let down. The emotions, the sorrow and the disappointment, had started to grip me with such intensity that I worried about it happening around them. Not that they would see it, but that they would see it and question, “Where is your God?”

And the morning came. I woke up and there was blood. I had since stopped being hopeful that it could be implantation bleeding. I couldn’t raise my hopes like that just to have them dashed. Self preservation mode was what I was running on. I went back to bed trying to control the flood of tears. Sobbed into my pillow in hopes that no one would notice. Tried to gather myself as everyone else started waking up much earlier than I had hoped. I just wanted to stay in bed, but we had a full day ahead of us and adventures planned. I hadn’t flown to Minneapolis to stay cooped up in a hotel room. I prayed for strength. For grace for one more day. For contentment in Christ and not to obsess with what was or wasn’t happening within my body. He brought me through to the other side of the day. I dealt with it as well as I could. I don’t remember any other melt downs that day. It wasn’t the best day ever, but I remember being able to enjoy the time with my mom and sisters and I was grateful for that.

Despite not wanting to get my hopes up, they were slightly. That or I was in denial. I spotted through the next couple days and still went in for the blood test because this period just didn’t seem normal for me. I went to watch the kiddos and tried to forget about the phone call that would be coming in a few hours. We went to the grocery store and as I was just getting them back in their car seats when my phone rang. I knew what was coming, but had to hear it to be sure. “I’m so sorry, but it’s negative.” I tried to coherently speak with her about details and cycle days and setting up the next appointment. I’m sure she heard my voice crack and the extra moment of silence it took me to gather myself. As soon as I hit the red icon, the tears came freely. Another disappointment. Each got harder and harder as I wondered why. And I wondered how much more of this I could take.

I honestly don’t remember much more of that day with the kids. I went to help a friend with wedding plans that night and quietly skipped over a telling of highs and lows for the day. I just couldn’t muster bearing all to them, though a little later that evening it did come up as one of them asked me how it was all going.

What I remember most is lying on our bed with Steve. Not being able to look him in the eyes as I voiced my fears. Fears that I knew to be untrue but had such a tight grip on my heart.

“Am I doing something wrong?”

“Am I not good enough?”

“Is God holding out on me?”

He answered a firm and confident “No.” The answer applied to all the questions swirling in my head and he continued to remind me of the Lord’s great truths and promises, something I needed so very much.

Dear friends, have you had such moments? Ones when circumstances seem dire and there’s nothing but sorrow and fear and oh so many tears? I believe those times fall upon us all. And while we may not see how we could possibly praise God in that moment, take hope in knowing, like the psalmist, that you shall yet praise Him again. He is our only salvation and God.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Day 30

Well, this was an interesting experiment. I did not keep a perfect record of writing every day, but I did make it a point to think about something I was thankful for each day.

After a season of not really being sure what there was to be thankful for this was a really good exercise.

Today it was more of the simple things. We’ve had various commitments in the evenings for the past few days and tonight we got to just hang out, which included breakfast for dinner, pj’s by 6, and watching a movie. I’m thankful for this relaxing evening at home.

I’m also thankful that tomorrow is December 1st & Christmas preparations will begin. We’ll tidy up so we can put up the tree. I’ll soon be baking up a storm to have a supply on hand for Christmas parties, gifts for friends and neighbors, and just because. Most importantly, though, is the preparation inside myself. Preparation to celebrate the coming of the Lord. The preparation of remembering what He left behind to come into the world as a totally dependent baby. All to bring the Father glory and restore a right relationship between us and Him.

I pray, as the season of Advent begins, you, too, will take time to prepare. Not so much with gifts and cookies and decorations (though those are all well and good), but with remembering the reason behind it all. The glorious miraculous birth of the One who will make all things new.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Day 29

Tonight I went to a mosaic class with my mother-in-law. There were just 6 of us there, plus the teacher, and everyone’s project looked so different despite the fact that we all were working with the same base and materials.

I am so thankful and in awe of the creative process and how everyone approaches it differently.

When I think about the oh so many art forms out there (and I’m sure there are some I don’t know about) I’m overwhelmed by it all. That two people could see a sunset or perhaps a snowy lane and respond so differently. The scene could be painted or written about in numerous ways. You could choose to photograph it, weave a story of it, create a melody from the emotion it brings forth, cook something delicious based on a memory brought about by it. The possibilities are endless.

And when you think about it, can you really be surprised? With a Creator Who fashioned those sunsets. Who designed such creatures as jellyfish and moose and hummingbirds. Who created us in His very image (and how very different are we, even when just looking at us, not to mention adding in our personalities?).

I’m just so grateful that we have so many ways with which to praise Him and all He has done, created, promised.

I hope you have found at least one way to express your gratitude, friend. A way which you can bring glory and honor to our Maker Who so rightfully deserves it.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Days 22-28

Another catch up post. I was doing pretty well, even while away, but then being with family, Thanksgiving, a birthday party, and traveling home (and recovering from it all) left little time. I have been thinking of things with each passing day, just haven’t had time to get them down.

Day 22:

Family. Plain and simple. The one I have been born into and the one I’ve acquired through marriage. we got to spend today with a lot of my family, some that we hadn’t seen in two years or longer. I am just so thankful to them all for being such a great support system and encouragement to me over the years. Plus Steve got to see that my crazy was (mostly) inherited from my family ๐Ÿ˜

Day 23:

Today we got to spend time celebrating my youngest niece’s 2nd birthday. I’m so thankful that we were around for that. It’s been a while (over 6 years) since I’ve been with any of them for their birthday. This day I didn’t have to see photos posted on Facebook with the longing of having been there. I was there and got to delight in all of the silliness and fun.

Day 24:

I know I wrote before about being able to chat with friends after years of not and being able to pick right back up with them. Today I’m thankful for something similar, but not exactly the same, so it counts.

Today I’m thankful for meeting up with friends; old and new. This afternoon we got to meet up with an old friend that I hadn’t seen in 16 years (16 years!!!). We have both moved away from our home state and have always seemed to just missed each other when traveling to visit family. I’m so glad it worked out to finally meet up.

We also got to have dinner with friends who we hadn’t seen in only a few months. They moved to Michigan over the summer and it was nice to catch up and see them and their adorable baby boy.

Day 25:

While parents are a part of family, today I am thankful especially for them. For being willing to wake up in the wee hours of the morning (3:30am) to take us to the airport. For hosting us in their home all week long. For supporting me in all of my crazy endeavors (“Yes, I’m going to move far away to go to college, and after that I think I’ll live in Alaska for a couple years, then I’ll be off to Pennsylvania. After that I think I’ll move back home for a bit and then head out to New Jersey.” I can’t imagine what they’ve thought about all of that). Things definitely would not be the same without them.

Day 26:

Today I am thankful to be home. Traveling is nice, but nothing beats being able to sleep in your own bed.

Day 27:

Today was back to business as usual. Both kiddos decided to sleep in a little bit today so I actually made a point to read my Bible (something that I’ve been sadly lacking in). I’m just so grateful for God’s Word. How it is unchanging and how it changes us. The passage I read was Jeremiah 33 and I was just reminded how He is truth and His promises are forever. Such a comfort to be reminded of this.

Day 28:

Today we had our first appointment with the OB. I’m thankful for people in the medical profession who have the knowledge of all thing pregnancy related and can answer questions and tell you of things you never even thought of. All of the information is a little overwhelming, but we have a bit of time to look through it all.

I’m also really thankful for the amazing technology that not only allowed us to see the baby (we have a few times now), but also hear it’s heartbeat. So very amazing. I can’t fully wrap my mind around it all.

Hopefully, I’ll be back later with today’s thought. Praying you are well and finding things, both big and small, to be thankful for.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Day 20

Today I’m thankful we were able to share this news with the everyone: come June we’ll be welcoming a little one into our family.

It has been a journey, but really it’s only just begun. We are thankful for the faithfulness of the Lord. For Him allowing us the opportunity to be His ambassadors to a child.

I have some things I’ve written in the in between; before I got pregnant, before I knew I was, and after I knew I was but didn’t yet want to release that info into the world. I’ll be posting periodically and hope they may be an encouragement to those of you going through similar situations.

I know not all stories of infertility end this way; with the happy news of a baby on the way. I still know that feeling and I pray for those of you going through it. It is a difficult, exhausting, heartbreaking journey. Through it all, know that you are thought of, prayed for, and loved. By me, yes, but more importantly by the Good Lord above.

Love & Blessings,

KJ