Evie had her 2 month well visit yesterday. I was excited to see how much she had grown since she was weighed 2 weeks ago. I swear just the other day I went to get her in the morning and she looked so much bigger. So when, not just the first scale, but the second as well, read the same weight as 2 weeks ago I was concerned.
Everything seemed to be going alright with breastfeeding, but the last week it has just seemed like she wanted to eat all the time. Being our first, we didn’t know if that was “normal” or if maybe she was going through a growth spurt, or what. We added formula in the last few days and it seemed ok.
To be honest, I was more than concerned. I was broken, once again, with feelings of shame & inadequacy. I cried as I hummed to calm her and waited for the doctor. What kind of mom am I if I cannot provide for my child’s most basic need? I failed her. At least those were my thoughts in the moment.
Just a note on the side – I would never think this of another woman. I would never think she was a horrible mom just because she’s unable to breastfeed. There are so many reasons it might not work for someone, and then there are those who have no desire to even try. I would never judge anyone for any of those things. Fed is best. How anyone goes about it is up to them. The pressure I put on myself in this area was put there by just one person, me! Not my husband. Not my family. Not my friends. Just me.
The doctor confirmed what I thought; she wasn’t getting enough to eat. She gave me a variety of solutions and we go back next month for a weight check.
After talking this over with my husband a light was shown on the path. I did fail my daughter (just hear me out). And I will again. Many times over. I cannot fulfill her. Yes, I can nurse her (which I will continue), and yes, I can give her formula (which I will also do), and her belly will be full and she will grow and develop as she should. But there is one thing I cannot give to her, one thing I cannot supply. The most important thing. I cannot save her.
I cannot grant her saving grace, through faith, in the Lord Jesus Christ. Only God can do that. I am grateful for and humbled by this reminder from the Lord. I’m sure He’ll remind me many more times, in many more ways, as we walk this road of parenthood. I cannot be my daughter’s everything. God did not create me for that role, nor did He create her so that I could try. He blessed us with her that we might be His ambassadors to her. So we could love her and raise her and teach her about Him and His great sacrifice & love. And so He could humble us, by reminding us that only He can fulfill the deepest need she will ever have.
Are you trying to be everything to someone but feeling like you don’t measure up? In all honesty, it’s because you don’t. Are you looking to someone or something else to be your everything and feel like you’re still missing out? That’s because you are. God did not make us to be what only He can be to anyone. Nor did He create anyone or anything to fulfill us the way only He can. Any relationship, career, house, experience, wealth, or anything else in this world, will never be enough. Don’t pressure yourself to try and don’t put pressure on anyone else with that expectation. Go to the Lord, knowing it is Him and Him alone who can fulfill you.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. ~Ephesians 3:20
Love & Blessings,