Four years ago today I ran a half marathon. It was a huge goal of mine and so amazing to accomplish. I had started running maybe 4 years before that because I knew I needed to do something and be a better steward of all God had given me, my body included. Running made me feel good and I was continually amazed at the ability of my body and the awesome way the Lord created it. I lost weight (probably 40 lbs from my heaviest), found my “style” in cute A line dresses, and was happy with where it had brought me.
Since then, so much has changed and so much life has been lived. I got engaged, moved, got married, bought a house, moved again, and left a job. We went through a season of infertility that was hard and stressful, and if it wasn’t enough that I had already gained 15 or so pounds after marriage (food is so a love language), I ended up right where I began all those years ago before we finally got pregnant.
During pregnancy I put on about 30 pounds, a normal amount in the grand scheme of things. But since giving birth, almost 9 months ago, I haven’t really lost much (besides the weight of the baby and all that fluid). It has been a crazy struggle; more of one in my mind and heart than anywhere else really. My lovely dresses are still packed in the attic with most of my “before” clothes; there just wasn’t room in the closet for them and the clothes that mostly do fit…plus just seeing them would set me longing for that body of four years ago. The one I worked so hard for. The one my husband first fell in love with. The one that just made me feel so good.
This morning I looked through my memories on Facebook, knowing full well what day it was and what would show up. As I saw the photos from 4 years ago I remembered the excitement of it all. The exhilaration of waiting with my group to even just go up the the starting line. The joy of spotting Steve in the cheering crowd. All the people. Pushing through the last mile, knowing I was almost at the end. I saw the photo of Steve & I, after having finished the race, and was saddened by the changes that have happened to my body over the years.
But then I looked at my little girl, happily sitting in her highchair after eating breakfast, drinking and playing with her cup before tossing it on the floor. And that is when the realization hit. There is no way I would want that body back if it meant not having her. If that is the physical price to pay for this little one who is such a joy, who rarely stops smiling, who loves to cuddle and dance, who is an amazing miracle from the Good Lord Himself, so be it. This body of today has created life (with a little help from Steve, some doctors, and God). It has nourished life. What is more amazing than that?
Someday, those dresses will come down out of the attic (hopefully so I can wear them and not because it will be time to just give them away). But whatever the reason, that’s ok. That’s not to say that I’m ok with the health implications of this weight gain. I’m not and we are working on changing things to do better with all of this. But, finally, I think I am ok with knowing that this is just the season I’m in. And you know the thing about seasons is that they are always changing. Here’s to the next!
Love & Blessings,