Never the Same

Eight weeks and two days ago my life changed forever.

Gone are the early nights to bed and sleeping past 5am (6am occasionally) in the morning.

Gone is having the day to myself to do what I wanted, when I wanted.

Gone are the days of only being responsible for myself.

Gone are the days of being able to leave the house in less than 10 minutes (not that I was terribly good at that before).

Gone are the moments of quiet, relatively easy to find.

Rare will be spontaneous trips out or traveling with a tiny purse.

Here are the days of a new normal.

Here are the early morning feedings, as well as those in the middle of the night.

Here are the days of caring for someone totally dependent on me.

Here are the days of changing diapers, cleaning spit-up (and things a bit more undesirable).

Here are the days of wondering “What have we done?”.

Here are the days of riddled with self doubt, thoughts of inadequacy, confusion, frustration, and sleep deprivation.

BUT

Gone are the days of longing for this blessing.

Gone are the days, racked with heartbreak for a desire unfulfilled.

Gone is the asking, “How long, O Lord?”.

Here are the days of rocking in my mama’s chair; nursing my little girl as sun beams gradually fill the room.

Here are the days of singing “Jesus Loves Me” time and again, with great hope that the Truth will be made evident in this new life.

Here are the days of seeing my husband learn how to be a daddy (discovering such tricks like humming the Star Wars theme can typically calm her down).

Here are the times of snuggling, the three of us, and the enjoyment of just being together.

Here of the days of seeing the Lord’s faithfulness, yet again, and wondering why it was ever doubted.

Here are the days of thanking the Lord (though not at all nearly enough), for this amazing blessing He’s bestowed upon us.

I always knew that being a mother wasn’t going to be easy, but it’s harder than I ever imagined. Especially when it brings to light all the sin and selfishness that’s tucked away in my heart. We are still figuring this out (and will be for the next 20 or so years, or just forever) and adjusting to our new normal, but are oh so thankful to be blessed with friends & family we can turn to for support, advice, and encouragement, and even more so for a God who is always reminding us just how great His faithfulness is.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

November 14, 2018

I was waiting to post this in order of our story, chronologically, but that has just gone out the window – I suppose I’ll try to catch up one day, but more important things have come along 😊

Today it became real to me. There is a new life growing inside of me. One, Lord willing, I will get to care for, nurture, teach, and love. I’m going to be a mom.

Up until now I don’t think I let myself truly believe it. I feared miscarriage (though that’s still possible). I feared getting attached to someone that I might never meet this side of heaven. I’ve spent the past year and a half trying not to get my hopes up and I think that mentality stuck around, even after I found out I was pregnant.

Today was our last appointment with the fertility specialist. He’s been keeping a close watch on things and I had my fourth ultrasound today. And today that little tiny life looked much less like a tiny blob and much more like a baby. My baby. Our baby. They put one of the ultrasound photos in a cute frame for us and happily sent us on our way into the hands of a regular OB. Their work was done. I tried to hold it together as I went back into the waiting room where other women sat, where I had so many times before. I would not be coming back.

We got into the parking lot and I lost it. I sobbed into Steve’s shoulder for a good minute or so. I remember him asking if they were happy tears and I nodded. They were really more of amazement and gratitude. “This is really real, isn’t it?” It had finally sunk in.

I’m not at all sure what we’re in for, besides a kid that’s got to be at least a little crazy. I still can’t think much more past today, and that is ok by me.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

365 Days

This post came up in my Facebook memories today. Of Sorrow & Shame

It has been one year since I wrote these words. One year since I was brought to such a place of brokenness that I could only share with others in the hope that it could be used for good somewhere.

I read those words I wrote 365 days ago with tears in my eyes. Maybe a little from sadness in remembering the pain, but mostly from joy in knowing that the Lord used those words to connect me with so many others. In knowing that He grew me in these past 365 days; to rely upon Him, trust Him, rest in Him, draw near to Him.

Of course, the joy also came from feeling some rather powerful kicks as I read those words. As if my little girl wanted to remind me that she’s here. This blessing I have longed for is here. And, Lord willing, I will get to hold her in my arms in a few short months.

This journey is far from over. It’s changing once again and I feel as if I’m at the beginning of it all. I realize I never finished my remembrances up to the point of finding out we were pregnant – there are just a few more things I’d like to write about in that process and I hope to get to them in the next week.

I know I’ve said it many times before, but, dear friends, nothing is ever wasted. Know that whatever circumstance you find yourself in, the Lord is using it, for your good and His glory.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Delighting in the Little Things

On days like today when I want to pull the covers over my head and not leave the comfort and refuge of my bed I need these reminders the most. Reminders that in every moment we can find something to delight in. The kiddos help me so much in this and I see so much more than I would have on my own.

There’s delight in the happy growlings (yes, growlings) of a one-year-old successfully feeding herself with a spoon. There’s delight in the shouts of, “Come look!” by a two and a half-year-old proud that he was able to stack all of his LEGO cars together.

These accomplishments may seem small or trivial at first, but there are other things that need to be considered. Like when I previously let her use a spoon, T would continually take it, full of yogurt, and put it down in her high chair. Or that when the LEGOs won’t connect together the way he wants, G can get so frustrated that he tears his creations apart.

We adults are oh so similar. We, so often, miss the small delights, thinking they are “no big deal,” because we don’t remember where we started at. I, for the past few days, have passed on cakes and cookies (sooooo difficult) and have chosen some healthier options. While I doubt the scale reflects any of that yet, I can delight in knowing I made some good choices. Better than ones I have made previously.

All in all, when you’re feeling down and out, take a moment to reflect at where you are and where you started at. Even when things seem dire, God does not forget you and He will not forsake you. He uses circumstances that you’re in, circumstances that I’m in, to sanctify us. To refine us, as gold.

As I continue to delight in the small blessings He’s bestowed upon me, I pray you’ll be able to do the same. If you’re having difficulty with that, then think on the greatest one – remember where you once were, dead in sin, and where (I pray) you are now, alive in Christ. Ultimately, if we find ourselves in Christ, that alone should fill us with delight that will last many lifetimes over.

If you don’t have the delight of Christ in your life ask questions, pick up a Bible, venture into a church, talk to someone of faith that you know and respect. Don’t miss out on the greatest delight you will have in this life, and in the life to come.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

A Changing of Seasons

A couple Sundays ago my pastor opened his sermon by thanking God for the change of season. Fall is such a welcomed time here; not only does the weather start to get cooler, but our population decreases hugely as we live in a popular summer vacation destination (I, myself, like the fact that I can go grocery shopping whenever I want and don’t have to think about avoiding the store on the weekend). We start thinking on the beauty of changing leaves, the aroma of home-made applesauce, and pumpkin spice flavoring in almost anything you could imagine. I love all of those things, but when Pastor commented on the changing of seasons, none of them were going through my mind. At that moment I was struck with the thought of how God was bringing a change of seasons into my life. And how thankful I was for it.

Over the past few months God has gone and changed seasons on me. He (along with some of my friends) nudged me into the “dating scene” earlier this year. It was with a varied mixture of hesitation, anxiety, excitement, and hope that I joined a popular online dating site. After a month or two I had down a pretty good system for figuring out if a guy’s priorities lined up with mine. Ladies, well, this goes for the gents too, don’t ever be afraid to ask someone what they believe in and why. If you do not want to end up “unequally yoked” – 2 Corinthians 6:14 – it’s a question that should be asked straight out of the gate. There are many people who identify themselves as “Christians” yet tend to leave Christ out of the reason for calling themselves such – I know this for fact as I came across more than I cared to when I asked that question.

After jumping through hoops of communicating in online dating (and feeling good about the answers to the questions I asked) I actually talked to a few guys and went out on a few dates. They were scattered through the spring and summer. I got to experience the “guy who thought there was chemistry when there was none” and the “guy who decided he shouldn’t be dating right now” as well as the “guy who fell off the face of the earth.” I was none too sad about any of these meetings as they proved to be good learning experiences. I certainly didn’t expect to connect with the first guy I met…the fourth, however, is a different story. He’s the one who ended up (after about a month of dating) being the “guy who asked me to be his girlfriend” AKA, my boyfriend.

*I shall now take a brief moment so you can all shriek and/or giggle like 14-year-old girls. This is what my friends do when I mention him, including an actual 14-year-old girl (and a 36-year-old one 😉 ). I myself would never do such a thing; I tend to either get a ridiculous grin on my face or blush at least 5 different shades of red. Or, if I’m in particularly rare form – both.*

This season is a totally new one for me. It’s not like knowing winter always follows fall; i’ve experienced that many times (32 to be exact): this has only ever happened right now. I will be completely honest in saying it has been exciting, strange, nerve-wracking, and wonderful – all at the same time. As much as I don’t know where this will lead, I’m not too concerned with that. I’m enjoying it and jumping in with both feet.

What I do know, is that every season prepares us for what’s to come; good or bad, joyful or sorrow-ridden.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven – Ecclesiastes 3:1

My past has prepared me for this season. The heartache of the past pulled my focus where it should always be, on my Lord & Savior. Building upon that is the knowledge, and practice, that now, when new and exciting things are happening, that is where my focus should still be…that is where my focus still is. These events, in time, will prepare me for whatever future He has planned. And whatever it is, I know it will be good.

I am thanking God for this changing of seasons. I pray, that no matter what season He’s taking you through right now, you’re able to see His hand working through it, for your good, and His glory.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Full of Good Things

Truth be told; these days I couldn’t be happier. Many changes are going on in my life, and I know at one point, a few years ago, that would have scared me to no end. Not this girl, not now. For I know:

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

And, yes, these changes are good. And, yes, these changes are gifts. For while He does not change, He does work within our lives to change us to be more like His Son. All at once I see opportunities that seem like they are coming out of the woodwork, but, no, these are not mere coincidences. Our God does not work in coincidences. He has it all planned out, has had it all planned out, from the beginning of time. Can you truly fathom that? There is a Creator who loves each and every one of us so much that He planned everything out, just for us. It blows my mind when I stop to think about it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m so amazed at what He is revealing to me right now. All I need to do is keep my focus on Him, so I do not lose these opportunities He’s given me to give the glory to Him. Be they fitness goals, business ventures, book ideas, or new relationships (yes, indeed, that is the full plate of things swimming around in my brain), these are gifts from above, regardless if they are successful or not, and I’m going to do my best to remember the One who is giving them to me. I would be a fool to think I could accomplish any of them on my own. It’s only fitting that we sang this hymn at church last week and has since been running through my head.

To God be the glory great things He hath done,

So loved He the world that He gave us His Son,

Who yielded His life an atonement for sin,

And opened the life-gate that all may go in.

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!

Let the earth hear His voice

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!

Let the people rejoice

Oh come to the Father, through Jesus the Son

And give Him the glory, great things He hath done.

May the glory always be given to the only One worthy of it!

Love & Blessings,

KJ