September 15-18

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
    so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
    for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
    “Where is your God?”
These things I remember,
    as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
    and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
    a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

You can read Psalm 42 in its entirety here.

I knew at the beginning of the month that I would find out if I was pregnant while away on a girls’ weekend with my mom and sisters. I dreaded the thought of getting my period and my reaction to the let down. The emotions, the sorrow and the disappointment, had started to grip me with such intensity that I worried about it happening around them. Not that they would see it, but that they would see it and question, “Where is your God?”

And the morning came. I woke up and there was blood. I had since stopped being hopeful that it could be implantation bleeding. I couldn’t raise my hopes like that just to have them dashed. Self preservation mode was what I was running on. I went back to bed trying to control the flood of tears. Sobbed into my pillow in hopes that no one would notice. Tried to gather myself as everyone else started waking up much earlier than I had hoped. I just wanted to stay in bed, but we had a full day ahead of us and adventures planned. I hadn’t flown to Minneapolis to stay cooped up in a hotel room. I prayed for strength. For grace for one more day. For contentment in Christ and not to obsess with what was or wasn’t happening within my body. He brought me through to the other side of the day. I dealt with it as well as I could. I don’t remember any other melt downs that day. It wasn’t the best day ever, but I remember being able to enjoy the time with my mom and sisters and I was grateful for that.

Despite not wanting to get my hopes up, they were slightly. That or I was in denial. I spotted through the next couple days and still went in for the blood test because this period just didn’t seem normal for me. I went to watch the kiddos and tried to forget about the phone call that would be coming in a few hours. We went to the grocery store and as I was just getting them back in their car seats when my phone rang. I knew what was coming, but had to hear it to be sure. “I’m so sorry, but it’s negative.” I tried to coherently speak with her about details and cycle days and setting up the next appointment. I’m sure she heard my voice crack and the extra moment of silence it took me to gather myself. As soon as I hit the red icon, the tears came freely. Another disappointment. Each got harder and harder as I wondered why. And I wondered how much more of this I could take.

I honestly don’t remember much more of that day with the kids. I went to help a friend with wedding plans that night and quietly skipped over a telling of highs and lows for the day. I just couldn’t muster bearing all to them, though a little later that evening it did come up as one of them asked me how it was all going.

What I remember most is lying on our bed with Steve. Not being able to look him in the eyes as I voiced my fears. Fears that I knew to be untrue but had such a tight grip on my heart.

“Am I doing something wrong?”

“Am I not good enough?”

“Is God holding out on me?”

He answered a firm and confident “No.” The answer applied to all the questions swirling in my head and he continued to remind me of the Lord’s great truths and promises, something I needed so very much.

Dear friends, have you had such moments? Ones when circumstances seem dire and there’s nothing but sorrow and fear and oh so many tears? I believe those times fall upon us all. And while we may not see how we could possibly praise God in that moment, take hope in knowing, like the psalmist, that you shall yet praise Him again. He is our only salvation and God.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

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August 28 – September 1

Fertility meds are no joke! I know I’ve mentioned before about Clomid and the effects of that, but recently I received my first meds through the mail. Talk about intimidating! A couple of vials that have to be mixed just so, a variety of needles & syringes, and a mini sharps container. We have moved on from just Clomid, to Clomid, a trigger shot, and then IUI. If all that sounds foreign to you, here’s a basic rundown.

I take Clomid for 5 days, typically days 5-10 of my cycle. Then on day 12 or 13 we go in for an ultrasound to see where the follicles are developing. If there’s at least one on the right side that is of a mature size, I get a trigger shot (HCG, the pregnancy hormone, which will ensure ovulation in 36 hours). We go in the next day, sperm in hand (or rather sterile container). They wash the sperm to get rid of ones that are already dead and perform an IUI (intrauterine insemination), in which the lively sperm are injected right close to where they need to be to be able to get to the egg when it appears. We leave the office, scheduling a blood test for two weeks later to see if it was a success and go on our merry way.

That’s the basics of it. I will admit, it’s a little awkward. We just had our second go around with this procedure and it was the first time I got the trigger shot delivered right to our house, along with all of the paraphernalia. The thought of having to give it to myself was somewhat daunting. The first time around they did it in the office and it was no big deal. This time, the doc wasn’t in when they did the ultrasound, so they needed to get a hold of him and see what the procedure should be, which meant I didn’t get it right then in the office. It also meant I didn’t take our handy container on the way out because they didn’t schedule the IUI before we left. I got the call a couple hours later saying that I should take the trigger shot and we’d do the IUI the next day.

Steve had gone to work, so I called him and tried to work up the nerve to jab myself with a needle. I read through the instructions, was confused, and then called the office for confirmation for how it was supposed to work. They asked if I had ever done it before (nope), put me on hold for a moment, and said I could just come in and they would do it for me. It was a great relief, plus I was then able to pick up the container as well. All was well and I didn’t have to do it on my own.

We went in the next morning for the IUI and one of the nurses did the procedure as the doctor wasn’t in. Having asked us if this was the first time, we told her it was the second. “Well, this is the one that’s going to take. And I want credit for it,” she told us with a smile. All we can do is wait and pray and see what’s to come. The only One who deserves credit for any of this is the Good Lord Himself…and in that knowledge we wait with hope and assurance that He’s got a plan for all of this.

Looking Back

I would be remiss if I let the year go by without sharing (and processing through) what has happened in the past 4 months. At the time I was hesitant to write about the specifics of our infertility as it made me feel like the world was watching. I also didn’t want people to know the exact timeline of things and be nudging with the questions of if I was pregnant yet.

I do, however, want to share all of that now. For those of you going through similar circumstances, or might have a sister, daughter, or friend who is. I want to share, because I know even in those most darkest times, the Lord was at work (for what purpose? Only He knows).

The next few entries will be retrospective; I couple I even started writing at the time they were occurring. It is not my intention to make this journey seem like it’s all sunshine and rainbows now that I find myself in the middle of what I so very much longed for. To do that would be giving much too much credit to this little girl growing inside of me instead of to the One Who created her. She is a desire long-awaited, of that you can be sure! But she is not my hope or salvation; to raise her up as such would be to push Christ aside, and that’s something I am forever striving to avoid.

And so, dear friends, if you’d like to take a journey with me, I welcome you with open arms. I think we’ll start sometime back in August…

Thankfulness: Day 30

Well, this was an interesting experiment. I did not keep a perfect record of writing every day, but I did make it a point to think about something I was thankful for each day.

After a season of not really being sure what there was to be thankful for this was a really good exercise.

Today it was more of the simple things. We’ve had various commitments in the evenings for the past few days and tonight we got to just hang out, which included breakfast for dinner, pj’s by 6, and watching a movie. I’m thankful for this relaxing evening at home.

I’m also thankful that tomorrow is December 1st & Christmas preparations will begin. We’ll tidy up so we can put up the tree. I’ll soon be baking up a storm to have a supply on hand for Christmas parties, gifts for friends and neighbors, and just because. Most importantly, though, is the preparation inside myself. Preparation to celebrate the coming of the Lord. The preparation of remembering what He left behind to come into the world as a totally dependent baby. All to bring the Father glory and restore a right relationship between us and Him.

I pray, as the season of Advent begins, you, too, will take time to prepare. Not so much with gifts and cookies and decorations (though those are all well and good), but with remembering the reason behind it all. The glorious miraculous birth of the One who will make all things new.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Day 29

Tonight I went to a mosaic class with my mother-in-law. There were just 6 of us there, plus the teacher, and everyone’s project looked so different despite the fact that we all were working with the same base and materials.

I am so thankful and in awe of the creative process and how everyone approaches it differently.

When I think about the oh so many art forms out there (and I’m sure there are some I don’t know about) I’m overwhelmed by it all. That two people could see a sunset or perhaps a snowy lane and respond so differently. The scene could be painted or written about in numerous ways. You could choose to photograph it, weave a story of it, create a melody from the emotion it brings forth, cook something delicious based on a memory brought about by it. The possibilities are endless.

And when you think about it, can you really be surprised? With a Creator Who fashioned those sunsets. Who designed such creatures as jellyfish and moose and hummingbirds. Who created us in His very image (and how very different are we, even when just looking at us, not to mention adding in our personalities?).

I’m just so grateful that we have so many ways with which to praise Him and all He has done, created, promised.

I hope you have found at least one way to express your gratitude, friend. A way which you can bring glory and honor to our Maker Who so rightfully deserves it.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Days 22-28

Another catch up post. I was doing pretty well, even while away, but then being with family, Thanksgiving, a birthday party, and traveling home (and recovering from it all) left little time. I have been thinking of things with each passing day, just haven’t had time to get them down.

Day 22:

Family. Plain and simple. The one I have been born into and the one I’ve acquired through marriage. we got to spend today with a lot of my family, some that we hadn’t seen in two years or longer. I am just so thankful to them all for being such a great support system and encouragement to me over the years. Plus Steve got to see that my crazy was (mostly) inherited from my family 😁

Day 23:

Today we got to spend time celebrating my youngest niece’s 2nd birthday. I’m so thankful that we were around for that. It’s been a while (over 6 years) since I’ve been with any of them for their birthday. This day I didn’t have to see photos posted on Facebook with the longing of having been there. I was there and got to delight in all of the silliness and fun.

Day 24:

I know I wrote before about being able to chat with friends after years of not and being able to pick right back up with them. Today I’m thankful for something similar, but not exactly the same, so it counts.

Today I’m thankful for meeting up with friends; old and new. This afternoon we got to meet up with an old friend that I hadn’t seen in 16 years (16 years!!!). We have both moved away from our home state and have always seemed to just missed each other when traveling to visit family. I’m so glad it worked out to finally meet up.

We also got to have dinner with friends who we hadn’t seen in only a few months. They moved to Michigan over the summer and it was nice to catch up and see them and their adorable baby boy.

Day 25:

While parents are a part of family, today I am thankful especially for them. For being willing to wake up in the wee hours of the morning (3:30am) to take us to the airport. For hosting us in their home all week long. For supporting me in all of my crazy endeavors (“Yes, I’m going to move far away to go to college, and after that I think I’ll live in Alaska for a couple years, then I’ll be off to Pennsylvania. After that I think I’ll move back home for a bit and then head out to New Jersey.” I can’t imagine what they’ve thought about all of that). Things definitely would not be the same without them.

Day 26:

Today I am thankful to be home. Traveling is nice, but nothing beats being able to sleep in your own bed.

Day 27:

Today was back to business as usual. Both kiddos decided to sleep in a little bit today so I actually made a point to read my Bible (something that I’ve been sadly lacking in). I’m just so grateful for God’s Word. How it is unchanging and how it changes us. The passage I read was Jeremiah 33 and I was just reminded how He is truth and His promises are forever. Such a comfort to be reminded of this.

Day 28:

Today we had our first appointment with the OB. I’m thankful for people in the medical profession who have the knowledge of all thing pregnancy related and can answer questions and tell you of things you never even thought of. All of the information is a little overwhelming, but we have a bit of time to look through it all.

I’m also really thankful for the amazing technology that not only allowed us to see the baby (we have a few times now), but also hear it’s heartbeat. So very amazing. I can’t fully wrap my mind around it all.

Hopefully, I’ll be back later with today’s thought. Praying you are well and finding things, both big and small, to be thankful for.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Day 21

Today I’m thankful for family traditions, especially those surrounding food made for holiday meals. Tonight I made “pink fluff,” something that has been made in my family for practically every Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas dinner I can remember. It’s a delicious concoction and I have carried on the tradition as I attended various holiday dinners with friends on my own and then bringing it to gatherings with new family in the past couple years.

There are just certain foods that always remind me of holidays and family and if I’m not with them I like to make them so it’s more like I’m celebrating with them even if we’re not in the same state. Pink fluff is one of those foods. As I’m with my family for this Thanksgiving I asked if my mom if she was planning on making it. When she said she didn’t know I eagerly offered to take the task on myself 😊

Here for your enjoyment is the recipe so you can enjoy this for yourself.

Ingredients:

16oz small curd cottage cheese

1 can crushed pineapple (drained well)

1 large box of strawberry Jell-o

8oz Cool Whip

Making it:

In a large mixing bowl combine Cool Whip & Jell-o, making sure it is well mixed and there are no clumps. Then add in the cottage cheese and mix well. Lastly mix in the drained crushed pineapple. Scoop into a fancy bowl to serve if you so choose. Refrigerate at least a couple hours before serving.

Pink fluff is best made the night before. You can also set the pineapple in a colander to drain earlier in the day or even the day before. You want to get most of the liquid out so it doesn’t make the fluff sloppy.

Let me know if you try it out or have something similar you make in your family. Happy feasting tomorrow!

Love & Blessings.

KJ