Of Sorrow & Shame

I want to be honest and real. Not to gain anyone’s sympathy or pity, but to let those who feel the same know that they are not alone. To let those who are living through similar circumstances know that those things they feel in secret, behind closed doors, are not ridiculous; they are deep and real and raw.

This has been my biggest struggle in the last year, bigger than the heartache of being single when I so very much wanted not to be. It was a desire I had while I was single, but really couldn’t do anything about it then. It is my desire to have children.

Now that I’m married it’s something that just comes next in my mind, and as I’m 36, sooner rather than later would really be great. And before there are pat responses that I have time and God’s timing is perfect, know that I know these things. His Spirit within me reminds me that I am His, He is sovereign, He is good, and He holds all things in His hands. These things I know. These things I cling to. I speak them to my broken heart again and again. I whisper them in the quiet. I say them out loud to myself through the tears. At times I want to scream them.

Because the truth of the matter is, while I know that God is good and sovereign, almighty and all powerful, I cannot help but mourn that which has not come to pass. And because I know these things to be true, I also feel shame in this sadness. Which only serves to make the sadness deepen.

And that is really what I want to share. That is really what I want those who feel the same to know. The shame felt in this sadness is not something you are alone in. More importantly, I believe it to be a lie from the enemy.

Mourning is not wrong, as long as we do not mourn as those who have no hope. The clincher is, though, that that hope isn’t the hope of one day being pregnant, it is hope in the eternal life we can only find in Christ. I, myself, am just realizing this and speaking this to my heart as I type these words.

Have I mourned as one without hope? I would be lying if I said I haven’t. But His mercies are new each morning. I may forget that and that is when the shame drags me deeper into the pit. There is great sorrow felt when I feel that I have let my emotions overtake me. Sorrow that I have not rested in knowing God will provide. Shame that I have looked to something else to be my source of joy in this life.

There is a difference between feeling convicted and feeling condemned. It is right that we, as followers of Christ, feel convicted of sin so we can repent and be in right relationship with God once more. Not resting in God and putting something before Him as our joy is sin and being convicted of that and repenting of it is only right. But when such shame and sorrow is felt so that we believe repentance is not possible or will not be accepted is a feeling of condemnation. In Christ, we cannot be condemned, for we stand in His righteousness. God knows our hearts. That feeling should have no power over us.

I’m sorry if this has been a jumble of thoughts. It is what comes from me wanting to share my story for the benefit of others as well as process through it myself.

Just as the pain of singleness is real and can be overlooked by the Church as a whole, so can the pain of infertility. It has been so rarely spoken of that I often ask myself and those around me how other women deal with this because I am at a loss. And at that same time, I know nothing we go through in life is wasted. This season has its purpose. I can’t tell you I know exactly what it is, but whatever it may be I pray I can glorify God through it.

I want those of you who do experience that to know you aren’t alone. That pain is real and it can cut deep. I will not say that knowing Jesus takes away the pain; but knowing Him definitely sees me through it. Each month I come out on the other side knowing He’s still beside me, still loving me, still my everything. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but ultimately I know the God of the universe has this all under control. And if anyone does, I’m sure glad it’s Him.

So as not to give the impression that I’ve been mucking about in all of this, just me and Jesus, I haven’t (though if I had, I have to believe that would be enough). I have been blessed to have friends and family who regularly encourage me in this and keep my husband and I in prayer, not to mention a husband who is by my side through all of this, loving me through the sadness; ugly crying and all.

If you are going through similar circumstances in life, I pray you’re going through them with Jesus, the Light shining in the darkness, the One who provides Hope, and Rest, and Peace, and Joy, even through, especially through, trials and pain. And if you don’t know Him, I pray you would come to. The pain may not go away, but you’ll have the Creator of the universe by your side. And He’s a pretty good traveling companion.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

PS – if you see this through Facebook and comment there, don’t think I’m ignoring you if I don’t respond – I’ll be present there once again come April 1.

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8 thoughts on “Of Sorrow & Shame

  1. We will be praying for God to give you the desires of your heart. I’m not sure what else to say that doesn’t sound contrite and I’m sure it would be all the things you two have already done and thought. God has a plan for you and it may not be your plan or your timing but he is in control.

    • Amen. I do have some experience of God doing some amazing things in ways I never expected and I know He is able. I also know I may need to be more open to various means of this all coming about, or more patient in general. Thank you for your prayers, Sandy ❤️

  2. Hi there. You probably don’t know me, but I’m Lar-el’s sister. I hope you don’t mind, but she sent me this link and asked if I would pray, knowing that I’ve traveled this dark road of infertility as well. Your words are powerful and true. Thank you for declaring them with courage, vulnerability, and humility. During the second year of my infertility, a friend sent me the book, “Every Bitter Thing is Sweet” by Sara Hagerty. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. I think your perspective isn’t as skewed as mine was when I first picked up that book, but God used it to change my heart and my desires in a powerful way. I recommend it to any infertility warriors that I meet. I still find myself flipping through its pages reminding myself of the truths I so desperately need to hold onto some days. I hope you know that I’ll be praying for you and that beatiful heart of yours. I promise your story does not end in ashes. And when you come face to face with the beauty He has had planned for you all along, I know you’ll use it to declare His glory. Hold onto that hope, girl. He won’t let you down.

    • Thank you, Alyssa, for your encouragement, prayers, and reading suggestion. I have a book from a friend that’s been on my “to read” list for a while called Hannah’s Hope by Jennifer Saake – have you read that one? I’ll definitely be looking up the one you mentioned as well. Thanks again ❤️

  3. Love you Kellie!!! Thanks you for writing this. Though maybe not for the same reasons as you I have been mourning but not trusting His plan for me. Your post is a reminder that I need to stop and pray. I need to trust everything I’m going through is for a reason even if I cannot see it right now. I will pray for you. 🤗

  4. Pingback: 365 Days | These Delight Filled Days

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