Thankfulness: Day 30

Well, this was an interesting experiment. I did not keep a perfect record of writing every day, but I did make it a point to think about something I was thankful for each day.

After a season of not really being sure what there was to be thankful for this was a really good exercise.

Today it was more of the simple things. We’ve had various commitments in the evenings for the past few days and tonight we got to just hang out, which included breakfast for dinner, pj’s by 6, and watching a movie. I’m thankful for this relaxing evening at home.

I’m also thankful that tomorrow is December 1st & Christmas preparations will begin. We’ll tidy up so we can put up the tree. I’ll soon be baking up a storm to have a supply on hand for Christmas parties, gifts for friends and neighbors, and just because. Most importantly, though, is the preparation inside myself. Preparation to celebrate the coming of the Lord. The preparation of remembering what He left behind to come into the world as a totally dependent baby. All to bring the Father glory and restore a right relationship between us and Him.

I pray, as the season of Advent begins, you, too, will take time to prepare. Not so much with gifts and cookies and decorations (though those are all well and good), but with remembering the reason behind it all. The glorious miraculous birth of the One who will make all things new.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

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Thankfulness: Day 20

Today I’m thankful we were able to share this news with the everyone: come June we’ll be welcoming a little one into our family.

It has been a journey, but really it’s only just begun. We are thankful for the faithfulness of the Lord. For Him allowing us the opportunity to be His ambassadors to a child.

I have some things I’ve written in the in between; before I got pregnant, before I knew I was, and after I knew I was but didn’t yet want to release that info into the world. I’ll be posting periodically and hope they may be an encouragement to those of you going through similar situations.

I know not all stories of infertility end this way; with the happy news of a baby on the way. I still know that feeling and I pray for those of you going through it. It is a difficult, exhausting, heartbreaking journey. Through it all, know that you are thought of, prayed for, and loved. By me, yes, but more importantly by the Good Lord above.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Thankfulness: Day 3

Today I’m thankful for this man; my husband of two years. A great friend who listens to my crazy ramblings, helps me remember things that get lost in my ever-scattered brain, and never fails to make me smile (even when I’m really grumpy and just don’t want to). I’m thankful for how he humors me and follows me all around Target as I wander aimlessly without tapping his foot or seeming like he’d rather be elsewhere. How he washes all the dishes as I take a nap because the day just wore me out. How he loves me and lets me cry on his shoulder (even when I soak his shirt). How he patiently listens when we’ve just gone to bed and I’ve gotten my second wind and want to talk his ear off. How he has been by my side through this season of infertility, reminding me that we’re in this together. How he points me to a Savior; One who truly loves me and is working for my good no matter what, when I’ve felt overlooked and unworthy.

I pray, friends, that you are blessed with such a person in your life, whether it be a spouse, a parent, a sibling, or a friend. One who encourages you and helps to hold you up when you are weak. One who speaks truth to you, even if it’s hard. One who loves you.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

The Truth of the matter

I’m always amazed when parts of scripture are pointed out to me or taught to me in ways I hadn’t thought of before. How the Holy Spirit works to open our eyes, minds, and hearts to such things are far beyond my understanding; I’m just glad He does.

We’ve been going through a sermon series at church about the Christian home. I’ve appreciated it thus far, especially a couple weeks ago when our pastor spoke on the family. Noting that he knew there were a few couples dealing with infertility he made a point of saying that a husband and wife are a complete family unit, just the two of them. The scripture he backed it up with was not something I expected: Genesis 1:26-31.

This section speaks of God creating man – male & female – after He told them to be fruitful and multiply, but before they ever had a chance to, He looked at all He had made. And it was very good.

Did you catch that? Man & woman. Husband & wife. God saw them and they were very good in His eyes. Just as they were. Even without children.

Hearing this just made me realize that while I may have times of feeling like less than a woman because of infertility, God doesn’t see it that way. My husband and I are no less a family than one with 4 kids and another on the way. And that encouraged me greatly. It spoke truth into my life when I very much needed it.

Dear friends, I pray you are able to find encouragement in God’s Word. That you would be able to read and the Spirit would show you wisdom & understanding through out. That it would bring comfort & joy in times when you feel all is gone.

Love & Blessings

KJ

Encouragement for today

I was knitting as we waited for our appointment with the fertility doctor this morning. Soft music played in the background. The door to the office was closed as was the window into the reception desk. This did not hinder me from receiving encouragement in a way I hadn’t thought of before.

One of the receptionists was making phone calls. From behind the glass I didn’t hear any real details, but I did hear “congratulations!”. My heart swelled for the ones getting the news. Only for a moment did my heart ache for the day I might be on the other end of that call.

At least twice more I heard similar conversations, and thanked God for the new life He had allowed to be conceived in a way that was probably not expected. Like having heard so many times about friends who had met their spouses through online dating, this gave me hope that He may allow these means to work for us as well, to bring children into our family.

If I have learned anything in my past 5 years, it’s that God uses whatever means He sees fit. Starting down roads, we don’t know if what we desire will be at the end of it, or if there will be a turn we have to take. But as long as we’re following Him, it’s all good. Singleness, infertility, and a million other things I would never wish upon anyone; the Lord uses them in our lives for our good and to bring Himself glory. And so I will praise Him, whether I get what I want, or not.

I pray you will be able to do the same; to still praise the One who gives us grace upon grace, new mercies every morning, and life everlasting. No matter what this world brings. No matter if our prayers are answered in the way we hoped for or not. Even if it’s through tears and sorrow (which it often has been for me, as of late), may we be able to say, “Above all else, Thy will be done,” knowing that the Father of all knows what is best for His children.

Love & Blessings

KJ

Learning Curve

Just a few thoughts on things I have learned (thus far) in this season of infertility.

*God is steadfast & faithful. While I can wish that He would be faithful in the way that I want, I am oh so grateful that He is faithful in the way that I need. In friends willing to keep me occupied during the time when I cannot help but be on edge with waiting. In friends who have offered listening ears, who have cried with me, who have encouraged me, who have shared their stories with me. In a husband who is more than I deserve, who loves me through the crazy, through the sorrow, and through the hormones (which just intensify the first two).

In all of this and more, the Lord has been faithful in His care for me, His love for me.

*Sorrow and joy are not mutually exclusive. Fear & love; those two things have no business together as “perfect love casts out all fear” 1 John 4:18. Sorrow and joy are very different from that. I can be sorrowful and grieve and still have my joy. That sounds a little funny, doesn’t it? Perhaps I can explain it.

Over and over I have been taught that our joy is not bound to our circumstances, because our joy, true joy, is only found in Christ. As God, Christ never changes, never waivers, and in Him our joy is complete. Just because I grieve it doesn’t mean my joy is gone. Jesus Himself wept.

This has been a struggle for me to get to. In the beginning of this all I thought that my grief and sorrow were in opposition to my Lord. That I was spitting in His face because I couldn’t not grieve as each month went by. If I was so complete in Him why did it hurt so much?

Yes, I grow weary at times. Yes, I cry. Yes, I mourn. Yes, I wonder why. But the joy of the Lord is my salvation, and in the midst of all this turmoil; times of sorrow and grief, I cling to that, knowing it is the one thing that will not change.

My moods may go from silly & giggly to withdrawn & quiet in record time, but the joy of the Lord is my strength. I may not know what tomorrow brings, but my hope is secure in Him.

Dear friends, I hope you’ve experienced these truths in your own lives. That the Lord is teaching you about His love, grace, and faithfulness, no matter your circumstance.

Love & Blessings,

KJ

Weariness

Lost in the weariness of another day

Another disappointment

Another “not yet”

My soul longs to soar

As if it had eagle wings

But the weariness clings

And keeps me stuck in this muck

This mire weighs me down

Keeps me where I have no desire to be

If I had a torch, I would burn it away

If I had a hose, I’d wash myself clean

Free me, O Lord, from the weight of sorrow

Show me, O God, that there is an end

Bear with me, Savior, that I might carry on

Wait with me, Maker, for on my own doubt overcomes me

Strengthen me, Father, that I might endure

Teach me, O Spirit, that You are always good

Yet from this weariness may new life spring

May I be renewed in Your joy, unceasing

May I be aware of Your love, everlasting

May I be reminded of Your promises, faithful & true

May this weariness never keep me from You